I haven't been too great the past two days. With my life slowly returning to normal and daily routines settling in again, it seems my body or mind is sort of showing the strain it was under during the past two weeks. I'd be very emotional and get tears in my eyes quite quickly, for no big reason. And yesterday, I had this painful feeling in my chest, like between my heart and stomach. Nothing major, but still...
I've been trying to take care of myself over the past days, taking it a bit easier, not going on new missions, going back to the gym, do my yoga in the morning, get some of the guests out of our house so I can get some of my space back. I also had this urge to redecorate our bedroom, which is where we were when the quake struck. I spend a lot of time putting in these little lamps, changing some curtains and just generally cocooning. I guess part of it is attempts to make this little nest of ours feel safe again.
I don't think it is so much a trauma from the quake though. We were very much spared. Nobody close to us got killed, our house remained standing and we didn't lose anything precious. I don't have nightmares and the aftershocks don't trigger any anxiety, as they do with a lot of people (which is a good thing, considering how many there still are - see pic). I think it has more to do with what is called tertiary trauma, the one firefighters or nurses experience when they are called to horrifying scenes or fail to attend needs. It feels a bit that way, seeing the enormous needs and not feeling as if our best is good enough, is hardly a band aid for all the suffering and hardship around. I feel deeply moved every time people help each other out, see these volunteers do the impossible to put together missions in a couple of hours and walk days to reach remote areas. And I feel just as much frustration and anger when I hear about obstacles or regulations that block reaching those people. It seem to be the two triggers that spark the most emotions in me, like a flood.
Yesterday, in part for practical reasons but also to try to deal with his, I took part in a Earthquake response training, provided by Initiative Outdoor, which our Yellow House had put together for volunteers, faciltated by Chelsea and Anish. Our mixed group of 16 went through a simulation in the morning where we were supposed to be stuck between two landslides and have to set up a temporary shelter, gather food, ensure latrine etc. Though it initially felt a bit like being a boyscout again,. it was really helpful to hear some tips of how to react, where to build what, and get some confirmation from 'trained survivors'.
The afternoon was more theoretical and group work, talking about leadership skills, what is good and bad group behaviour (including excerpts from hilarious Howard Tomb Behivour rules for expeditions), like these two first ones:
RULE #1 Get out of bed.
Suppose your tentmates get up early to fetch water and fire up the stove while you lie comatose in your sleeping bag. As they run an extensive equipment check, pack gear and fix your breakfast, they hear you start to snore. Last night you were their buddy; now they’re drawing up list of things about you that make them want to spit. They will devise cruel punishments for you. You have earned them. The team concept is now defunct. Had you gotten out of bed, nobody would have had to suffer.
RULE #2 Do not be cheerful before breakfast.
Some people wake up perky and happy as fluffy bunny rabbits. They put stress on those who wake up mean as rabid wolverines. Exhortations such as “Rise and shine, sugar!” and “Greet the dawn, pumkin!” have been known to provoke pungent words from rabid wolverine types. These curses, in turn, may offend fluffy bunny types. Indeed, they are issued with the sincere intent to offend. Thus, the day begins with flying fur and hurt feelings. The best early morning behavior is simple: Be quiet.
The last part of the day was a British psychologist, Karenza Monica Case, who gave some pointers on how to deal oneself with traumatic events like an earthquake, or what to say to people affected by these events and who seem frozen in their reaction. Some pointers were to try to steer away from the bad side and depressing thoughts, but focus on their survival mechanisms, how they have managed to survive, what family members are still there. Focusing on resources such as your breath or the solid ground can also be calming.
After the workshop, I took her aside and we had a brief session which was helpful. It helps to talk, to try to determine what you feel and why. It is funny how on the one hand, I feel a bit powerless to help, this leads to frustration and me needing some space, so I have to ask people to leave our house, becoming even less helpful. Anyway, the important thing is to realize you're doing your best, that is not enough (and never will be) and that your own well being is just as important, cause you can't help anyone if you can't help yourself (cliche, but I suppose it is a cliche for a reason).
I've been trying to take care of myself over the past days, taking it a bit easier, not going on new missions, going back to the gym, do my yoga in the morning, get some of the guests out of our house so I can get some of my space back. I also had this urge to redecorate our bedroom, which is where we were when the quake struck. I spend a lot of time putting in these little lamps, changing some curtains and just generally cocooning. I guess part of it is attempts to make this little nest of ours feel safe again.
 |
| List of aftershocks from Earthquake Alert App |
I don't think it is so much a trauma from the quake though. We were very much spared. Nobody close to us got killed, our house remained standing and we didn't lose anything precious. I don't have nightmares and the aftershocks don't trigger any anxiety, as they do with a lot of people (which is a good thing, considering how many there still are - see pic). I think it has more to do with what is called tertiary trauma, the one firefighters or nurses experience when they are called to horrifying scenes or fail to attend needs. It feels a bit that way, seeing the enormous needs and not feeling as if our best is good enough, is hardly a band aid for all the suffering and hardship around. I feel deeply moved every time people help each other out, see these volunteers do the impossible to put together missions in a couple of hours and walk days to reach remote areas. And I feel just as much frustration and anger when I hear about obstacles or regulations that block reaching those people. It seem to be the two triggers that spark the most emotions in me, like a flood.
 |
| Feeling like a boyscout, building a temporary shelter |
The afternoon was more theoretical and group work, talking about leadership skills, what is good and bad group behaviour (including excerpts from hilarious Howard Tomb Behivour rules for expeditions), like these two first ones:
RULE #1 Get out of bed.
Suppose your tentmates get up early to fetch water and fire up the stove while you lie comatose in your sleeping bag. As they run an extensive equipment check, pack gear and fix your breakfast, they hear you start to snore. Last night you were their buddy; now they’re drawing up list of things about you that make them want to spit. They will devise cruel punishments for you. You have earned them. The team concept is now defunct. Had you gotten out of bed, nobody would have had to suffer.
RULE #2 Do not be cheerful before breakfast.
Some people wake up perky and happy as fluffy bunny rabbits. They put stress on those who wake up mean as rabid wolverines. Exhortations such as “Rise and shine, sugar!” and “Greet the dawn, pumkin!” have been known to provoke pungent words from rabid wolverine types. These curses, in turn, may offend fluffy bunny types. Indeed, they are issued with the sincere intent to offend. Thus, the day begins with flying fur and hurt feelings. The best early morning behavior is simple: Be quiet.
The last part of the day was a British psychologist, Karenza Monica Case, who gave some pointers on how to deal oneself with traumatic events like an earthquake, or what to say to people affected by these events and who seem frozen in their reaction. Some pointers were to try to steer away from the bad side and depressing thoughts, but focus on their survival mechanisms, how they have managed to survive, what family members are still there. Focusing on resources such as your breath or the solid ground can also be calming.
After the workshop, I took her aside and we had a brief session which was helpful. It helps to talk, to try to determine what you feel and why. It is funny how on the one hand, I feel a bit powerless to help, this leads to frustration and me needing some space, so I have to ask people to leave our house, becoming even less helpful. Anyway, the important thing is to realize you're doing your best, that is not enough (and never will be) and that your own well being is just as important, cause you can't help anyone if you can't help yourself (cliche, but I suppose it is a cliche for a reason).
No comments:
Post a Comment